I'm gonna stop fighting now

My whole life was thrown into a tailspin over the last week.

During that time, I realized that I had failed the class I need to pass to enter PA school. I use the word "realized" intentionally b/c i honestly didn't know I hadn't passed. For a billion reasons, I had not paid attention to the weight of certain assignments and as result, had mismanaged the class. I have never failed anything in my entire life...and the crazy part is that I thought I had a C in the class. So, this was unexpected.

Anyway, as you can imagine visions of my dream being flushed down the toilet by my own hand played in my head over and over again. I literally couldn't breathe and found myself hyperventilating and then having a complete panic attack. Sobbing, I thought, "am i being punished?" My feelings at that time perfectly mirrored those of Job's after having everything he loved stripped from him. My words to God where the same as his "your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me?" Job 10:8

Job had been greatly blessed in his life and he took no credit for it giving God all the glory.  Like Job, recently everything had been so good in my life. A week before this, I could see the finish line and i was ready to walk across that tape having conquered 60 hrs work weeks, a biology class and lab, a developmental psych class and 30 odd anatomy and physiology students. It was all so good.

This isn't speed bump. This is a 4 car pileup. I just couldn't believe it. I just couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even speak of it and i was even having trouble praying. But I knew I had 2 things I had to do 1)go to my Bible and seek God's voice and 2)reach out and ask my friends to lift me up in prayer. Like in the book of Job, when my friend's heard of my troubles, they joined me in my sorrow.

"When they saw him for a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground w/ him for 7 days and 7 nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was" Job 2:12-13

Although I was physically alone as I lay sobbing on the floor of my apt, I felt the presence of those praying (and still praying) for me. I have never felt more loved or cared for.

Like Job, I couldn't speak. But i was drawn to Romans 8-

IN the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, b/c the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

I was wordless and I could not speak to God. I just hurt all over, but i read these words and admonished the Spirit to do what he does....talk to God for me.

When I could speak, I railed, cursing the day I was born...

 Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth...What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil. Job 3:1-26

and my friends reminded me of God's sovereignty and that I should go to him, even my therapist told me to go to pray and keep the faith.

 Yet man is born to trouble as surely as sparks flyupward.  But if it were I, I would appeal to God;
I would lay my cause before him.  He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.  Job 5: 7-9

Everything everyone said was right;  Trust him, pray, have peace.  I knew everything they were saying...but I couldn't "feel" it.  Everything they were saying were just words to me.  I was afraid and so I couldn't have peace. I was like the disciples in the boat w/ Jesus during a terrible storm.  The disciples start freaking out and screamed to Jesus "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"  Christ responds, "Why are you so afraid?  Do you still have no faith?" Mark 4:38.  Like the disciples, I didn't.  I didn't get that I have the creator of the freaking universe in the boat w/ me and therefore, I have no reason to be afraid unless I didn't actually believe he had power over all things, over all storms, over all circumstances, even over me dropping the ball and getting a failing grade, over EVERYTHING!  I was afraid and I couldn't have peace.  

Again, my need to believe that I had control over something God had already decided was getting in the way of my faith again.  I thought "i screwed up what God gave me".  However, grace doesn't work like that, knucklehead!!!!

There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God.  All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.  

This righteousness from God comes from faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. 
There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and
are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.  Romans 3

Grace is unmerited divine assistance.  God knows I'm a mess and that I can't do things the right way and that I will screw up the gifts he has given me.  He does not give b/c of who I am but in spite of who I am. His gift of PA school was given to me, the screw up.  Me being a screw up doesn't change the gift.

 "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete".  John 15:11

 But I was still heavy-hearted and I wanted that joy I knew I was supposed to have.  So I started reading an old Bible study lesson.  and the first thing I saw was "It is a commission of peace-John 20:21-23".

After Christ was crucified, he did not immediately ascend to heaven.  He still had some work to do and one of those things is making sure his disciples were had their heads screwed on straight.  The disciples had locked themselves up in a house b/c they were afraid of what was going to happen.  With Jesus not being physically with them, they felt vulnerable and ill-equipped to continue his message.  Jesus shows up and says ""Peace be with you!"  

The lesson said: "Peace is said to be the conscious possession of adequate resources. God's commission is a commission of peace, not strain.  There is a peace born of the certainty of victory, of assured success.  Do not fuss over the difficulties.  

You have the same resources of prayer and the Holy Spirit that Jesus had." 

 This morning through his word, Jesus came to me and said "Peace be with you!, Aurora".   Like his disciples, I was emotionally huddled up w/ my doors locked afraid of what was to come. Jesus also pointed me to the example of his disciple Thomas.  Thomas was unwilling to believe without seeing physical proof.

"i'm not going to believe Christ has risen from the dead and that you guys have seen him until i put my fingers in the holes of his palms".  So Christ says "since that's what it takes for you to get it, here you go...put your fingers in the holes". 
Then Jesus said to Thomas, "Stop doubting and believe".

So I had to ask myself, do i really believe God gave me admission to PA school?

"YES,  I do!  I absolutely do believe he gave me PA school."  That realization is a game changer. 

"BEcause you have seen me, you have believed;
blesed are those who have not seen me and yet have believed"  John 20:29

I don't need to put my fingers in the holes.  God is working this out.  I have no idea how, but, I am in the boat with the almighty God and he is in control.  Today, I have the peace and the joy that Jesus spoke b/c peace comes from knowing you have the adequate resources and assured success, the certainty of victory.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world"  John 16:33

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.  Psalms 27:14

Amen.