2 semesters down

Today is the first day of my 3rd semester in PA school.  I await it's beginning with both excitement and dread.  The dread is the residual feelings from last semester.  Typically, students have a substantial break between semesters so you start each one all "shiny" and new.  But our break was just 2 weeks, not quite enough time to forget the heartbreak, the depression, the destructiveness of last semester....and every day as I get dressed and search endlessly for something to fit this enlarged version of myself, i am reminded of what the last 5 mo produced.

But despite the dread, this is still the day that the Lord made.

So, i'm starting this new semester, not broken and beaten but triumphant and remembering my dependency on Christ, the solid rock I stand on.

I'm starting this semester w/ a new focus; striving to remember that I am called to put Christ first, keep Christ first...and all the rest of the stuff (exams, boyfriends, money, etc) will just fall into place.  

My plan for each day this semester is  simple.  1) spend some time in the Word- preferably before heading out for the day 2) exercise ~20 mins  3) study 4) do some self-reflecting 5) get a min of ~6hrs sleep.

So let's get this party started!

I'm gonna stop fighting now

My whole life was thrown into a tailspin over the last week.

During that time, I realized that I had failed the class I need to pass to enter PA school. I use the word "realized" intentionally b/c i honestly didn't know I hadn't passed. For a billion reasons, I had not paid attention to the weight of certain assignments and as result, had mismanaged the class. I have never failed anything in my entire life...and the crazy part is that I thought I had a C in the class. So, this was unexpected.

Anyway, as you can imagine visions of my dream being flushed down the toilet by my own hand played in my head over and over again. I literally couldn't breathe and found myself hyperventilating and then having a complete panic attack. Sobbing, I thought, "am i being punished?" My feelings at that time perfectly mirrored those of Job's after having everything he loved stripped from him. My words to God where the same as his "your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me?" Job 10:8

Job had been greatly blessed in his life and he took no credit for it giving God all the glory.  Like Job, recently everything had been so good in my life. A week before this, I could see the finish line and i was ready to walk across that tape having conquered 60 hrs work weeks, a biology class and lab, a developmental psych class and 30 odd anatomy and physiology students. It was all so good.

This isn't speed bump. This is a 4 car pileup. I just couldn't believe it. I just couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even speak of it and i was even having trouble praying. But I knew I had 2 things I had to do 1)go to my Bible and seek God's voice and 2)reach out and ask my friends to lift me up in prayer. Like in the book of Job, when my friend's heard of my troubles, they joined me in my sorrow.

"When they saw him for a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground w/ him for 7 days and 7 nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was" Job 2:12-13

Although I was physically alone as I lay sobbing on the floor of my apt, I felt the presence of those praying (and still praying) for me. I have never felt more loved or cared for.

Like Job, I couldn't speak. But i was drawn to Romans 8-

IN the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, b/c the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

I was wordless and I could not speak to God. I just hurt all over, but i read these words and admonished the Spirit to do what he does....talk to God for me.

When I could speak, I railed, cursing the day I was born...

 Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth...What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil. Job 3:1-26

and my friends reminded me of God's sovereignty and that I should go to him, even my therapist told me to go to pray and keep the faith.

 Yet man is born to trouble as surely as sparks flyupward.  But if it were I, I would appeal to God;
I would lay my cause before him.  He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.  Job 5: 7-9

Everything everyone said was right;  Trust him, pray, have peace.  I knew everything they were saying...but I couldn't "feel" it.  Everything they were saying were just words to me.  I was afraid and so I couldn't have peace. I was like the disciples in the boat w/ Jesus during a terrible storm.  The disciples start freaking out and screamed to Jesus "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"  Christ responds, "Why are you so afraid?  Do you still have no faith?" Mark 4:38.  Like the disciples, I didn't.  I didn't get that I have the creator of the freaking universe in the boat w/ me and therefore, I have no reason to be afraid unless I didn't actually believe he had power over all things, over all storms, over all circumstances, even over me dropping the ball and getting a failing grade, over EVERYTHING!  I was afraid and I couldn't have peace.  

Again, my need to believe that I had control over something God had already decided was getting in the way of my faith again.  I thought "i screwed up what God gave me".  However, grace doesn't work like that, knucklehead!!!!

There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God.  All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.  

This righteousness from God comes from faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. 
There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and
are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.  Romans 3

Grace is unmerited divine assistance.  God knows I'm a mess and that I can't do things the right way and that I will screw up the gifts he has given me.  He does not give b/c of who I am but in spite of who I am. His gift of PA school was given to me, the screw up.  Me being a screw up doesn't change the gift.

 "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete".  John 15:11

 But I was still heavy-hearted and I wanted that joy I knew I was supposed to have.  So I started reading an old Bible study lesson.  and the first thing I saw was "It is a commission of peace-John 20:21-23".

After Christ was crucified, he did not immediately ascend to heaven.  He still had some work to do and one of those things is making sure his disciples were had their heads screwed on straight.  The disciples had locked themselves up in a house b/c they were afraid of what was going to happen.  With Jesus not being physically with them, they felt vulnerable and ill-equipped to continue his message.  Jesus shows up and says ""Peace be with you!"  

The lesson said: "Peace is said to be the conscious possession of adequate resources. God's commission is a commission of peace, not strain.  There is a peace born of the certainty of victory, of assured success.  Do not fuss over the difficulties.  

You have the same resources of prayer and the Holy Spirit that Jesus had." 

 This morning through his word, Jesus came to me and said "Peace be with you!, Aurora".   Like his disciples, I was emotionally huddled up w/ my doors locked afraid of what was to come. Jesus also pointed me to the example of his disciple Thomas.  Thomas was unwilling to believe without seeing physical proof.

"i'm not going to believe Christ has risen from the dead and that you guys have seen him until i put my fingers in the holes of his palms".  So Christ says "since that's what it takes for you to get it, here you go...put your fingers in the holes". 
Then Jesus said to Thomas, "Stop doubting and believe".

So I had to ask myself, do i really believe God gave me admission to PA school?

"YES,  I do!  I absolutely do believe he gave me PA school."  That realization is a game changer. 

"BEcause you have seen me, you have believed;
blesed are those who have not seen me and yet have believed"  John 20:29

I don't need to put my fingers in the holes.  God is working this out.  I have no idea how, but, I am in the boat with the almighty God and he is in control.  Today, I have the peace and the joy that Jesus spoke b/c peace comes from knowing you have the adequate resources and assured success, the certainty of victory.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world"  John 16:33

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.  Psalms 27:14

Amen. 

Joining New Song

After much trepidation, prodding from God, and the slow pace of the New Song administrators, I will officially join the church this Sunday.

I was asked some questions to be apart of the new members bulletin. One was "what is your favorite verse/passage in the Bible?" And of course, me being one w/ 100s of favorites, had a hard time answering this. I still am not really capable of responding but this is one of my favs: along w/ anything else Apostle Paul says. I love the imagery of nature's birth pains in waiting for the return of Christ to right the wrong that was created at the beginning of time by the entrance of sin. So beautiful....and that we also yearn, ALL of us, believers and nonbelievers. Everyone is trying to fill that void, that yearning inside them. Some use drugs, alcohol, sex, work, relationships, pets, etc....yet those things always fall short. We yearn for the righting of the same wrong that nature does. Who brings completion? Who can quench this yearning? Well, the one who started it all, of course. The creator of all things, the Holy Magnificent Father God, his Son the Redeemer, and the Spirit our gracious Counselor...the fantastic Trinity.

God be praised. Amen.

Romans 8:18-28
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

This class is doing a number on me

Just completed my developmental psych journal for this week.  The question posed by my teacher relates to parental rearing style.  I avoided this journal assignment for a week, not wanting to sit down an look at that part of my childhood.  i didn't know how honest I was going to be until I sat down to write it.  B/c, you see, my mother was abusive...even to me as a small child.  and although she hurt me, i absolutely don't want to betray her to a strange teacher on the other side of my uploaded document. 

This is what i ended up submitting.  

My mother and father divorced when I was 6 years old.  My mother then moved over 800 miles away from my father and his family with me and my sister.  As such, my father had a very limited role in my upbringing and was never an active caregiver.  My mother read many books as a first-time parent.  However, I think, like most, she relied mostly on how she was raised simply adding the “book” knowledge as a supplement.  My grandmother raised my mom using the authoritarian model whereas my grandfather used the authoritative model.  I would characterize my rearing as mostly authoritative. 

            As described in the chapter, traditionally African-American households use a “no-nonsense” discipline style (Berk, 2007, p.281).  This style is usually paired with physical punishment as a form of discipline.   Although physical punishment is typically frowned upon in public arenas, it is widely accepted within African-American circles (Berk, 2007, pg. 268).  The author states that this particular parenting style typically combines strictness and limited use of physical punishment with warmth and reasoning in that the child internalizes the punishment as corrective with the child’s best interest at heart.  Without warmth and reasoning, the text explains that children see physical punishment as an “act of personal aggression”.  The book says this occurs when the parent is highly agitated and rejecting of the child when delivering the punishment (Berk, 2007, pg. 268).  Social learning theory elaborates on how harshly treated children develop a chronic sense of being personally threatened and that the child learns to avoid the punishing parent.  Additionally, it describes how harsh punishment alleviates the problem for the parent immediately making it more likely  the parent will continue to use it which can spiral into serious abuse (Berk, 2007, pg. 266).  I illuminate these parts of the book because this is my personal experience.

            My mother widely used the threat of or use of physical punishment to enforce her authoritarian parenting model.  Although a totally normal and common parental style within the African-American culture, my mother utilized it without warmth, explanation and in a rejecting manner.  Additionally, b/c it was easy, she used it often and many times the punishments became quite abusive.  As the child, I responded in a “textbook” manner in that this discipline resulted in chronic feelings of fear and anxiety finally leading to my avoidance of my mother whenever possible.  I do feel this affected me adversely, although maybe not in most of the ways described in the book.  The upside of this was that I was more cognitively and socially competent than most children (Berk, 2007, pg. 281), but I also struggled with depression and/or mental health problems as I grew up.

            In addition to using physical punishment for correcting inappropriate behavior, my mom used it as a training tool.  She read that showing flashcards and having young children sound out words early would result in faster rates of reading.  However, learning to read quickly became an anxiety-filled and fearful activity for me because I was punished for incorrect responses.  Additionally, to encourage and accelerate my desire to read on my own, she refused to read my favorite book to me any longer (an excessively high expectation that did not fit my developing capacity).  Her approach did work though; I was reading before 1^st grade.  This was the beginning of a continuous learning strategy she would use for the rest of my life.  Fear of punishment for academic achievement limitations motivated me all the way through high school. 

            Like the description of the authoritarian parenting model on page 280-281 (Berk, 2007), my mother also did not value individualism or autonomy.  She held a belief that her children were extensions of herself rather than individuals with unique attitudes, attributions, values and abilities.  “Self-concept” was not encouraged and punishable.  I was not allowed to make decisions regarding almost anything until I moved away from home to go to college.  As a result, I still struggle with “self-concept” even as an adult.  She also used psychological control as well resulting in me feeling that her love was contingent on following the script she had written for her first-born daughter.    

            Many factors contributed to my mother’s parenting style.  As a product of her own authoritarian mother that used harsh punishment (even beating my mother with an extension cord at one point), she was more likely to use harsh punishment.  Coming from a physical punishment permissive community also increased her likelihood of using this style.  As a single parent, she carried a great degree of unmanageable parental stress resulting in high emotional arousal leading to an extreme parental response to her children.  Because of my experiences and rearing, I entered psychological therapy.  I was concerned that when I became a parent, I would repeat the mistakes made by my mother.  I am now less afraid of how I will treat my children despite my own past.  I will definitely raise my kids differently.  I foresee using all three morality perspectives to train and discipline my children.  Conversely, I do believe I would use some spanking in my rearing practices b/c as the text concluded, in warm, loving, reasoning familial environment, light physical punishment is not correlated with aggression and antisocial behavior but can lead to more cognitively and socially competent children.    

 

 

Lessons from morning devotion-more reasons to die to self

Paul asked, What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!  Romans 6:21 
this is the very realization I had on my therapist's couch this week.  That things I called "self" were behaviors that had lead to my own demise...and that yes, a lot of it created a great deal of shame.  compulsive eating, drinking too much, relationships and emotional attachments to the wrong people, smoking, etc have all lead me to reap death in my life.  Death of my self-worth, stupid decisions, dangerous/reckless behavior, a loose tongue that hurts people, and just drama,drama, drama.

Paul goes on to say " You are set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness and the result is eternal life" Romans 6:22

But it doesn't end there.  B/c honest the idea of being a "slave" to anything is a bit aversive to me.  And as much as I'd love to live forever, fear of death was never a reason I decided to follow Christ.  So what do i get?  Being a slave sounds sucky.  But you know what, that's the human me talking and the human me doesn't not understand the things of the spirit.  God's spirit growing inside me allows me to get it.  and then there are these wonderful list to put into words what the Spirit allows us to experience.  I love to lists.

What do i get for being a slave to God....well, his Spirit w/ in me which leads to:

1. love
2. joy
3. peace
4. patience
5. kindness
6. goodness
7. faithfulness
8. self-control

These are all things I am incapable of on my own. 
What does my nature give me?  well, let's compare:

1. sexual immorality
2. impurity
3. debauchery
4. idolatry and witchcraft
5. hatred
6. discord
7. jealousy
8. fits of rage
9. selfish ambition
10. dissension
11. envy
12. drunkenness
13. orgies

Not a great life, eh?  and in additon to that, you will never see God.  The beautiful thing about the Spirit is that not only do you get list A, but the things that we natural do in list B are "crucified"  I love that imagery.  Galations says "those who belong to Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with it's passions and desires"

Praise be to God for his overflowing gifts of love.
doesn't sound much like slavery does it?  and you know what, it is not.  Jesus says that we aren't servants.  b/c servants don't know their master's plans.  And that he's letting us in on the plan so we aren't slaves.

Thank you, Father, for the joy that comes from serving you. 

pruning continued

The necessity of bearing fruit as a believer is all over the Bible. So, as a believer, one of the things I think a lot about is whether I actually bear fruit.  I most definitely hope I do, but it's one of those sort of invisible qualities that is unquantifiable a good bit of the time.  I find this similarly in teaching, you hope you are teaching well but you just never know if you are actually getting across to your students.

Well, in my BSF study this morning we came across yet another "fruit-bearing" scripture in John.  This one says (i'm paraphrasing), God is the gardener, Jesus is the vine, and believers are branches off the vine.  It also goes along to talk about how God prunes the branches that bear fruit, so that they can grow more fruit.  As I read this scripture and being a very visual person, an image of God in a gardening apron (like Martha Stewart style), gardening gloves, and pruning shears walking through his grape vine pruning the branches w/ grapes.  Which then conjured images of how I love to prune the dead flowers off my violets and how I this task makes me feel all warm-and-fuzzy towards my plants, so much so that i find myself caressing their leaves and talking to them. 
Which brought my mind back to God, which caused my eyes to well up w/ tears b/c that love i feel for my plants as I prune their flowers is nothing compared the love God feels for me.  And that the only reason he's pruning my life right now is so I can bear more fruit for him; so that I can carry on the work Christ began, supporting other believers and possibly calling more people into this flock; so that those people can know the love of God in same or greater ways than I do. 

Pruning

For the last several months, I have been repeatedly convicted by God through His Spirit, but I'll leave that for another post. Today, I want to talk about what God has been doing w/in me for the last 24 hours.

Yesterday, I left the house for therapy and immediately ran into a huge traffic jam. I am never on time to therapy which is sore subject between me and myself. So, when realized that I was faced, yet again, w/ having to call the therapist to tell her I am going to be late, I began rebuking myself. I absolutely HATE having to do call and say i'm running late, but I do it b/c it's courteous. I hate having to admit that I screwed up, that i'm not perfect, etc. and realistically, even w/o the traffic jam, i would have been late (turns out she was stuck in the same traffic jam and it was no big deal).

So i'm sitting there in traffic assaulting myself for never being on time and how frustrated i make myself. So when my therapy session started, this is the first thing I start talking about. First she starts dissecting the "why" am i always late....by relating a story about a friend of hers that is similarly always late. And she says "she just wants to get one more thing done and it's part of her drive to be the most productive, the most perfect, the best. is any of this true for you?"

I started trying to answer her and all of a sudden tears came. I have a Level III total meltdown from that point on during the session. What started out as "i'm sick of being late everywhere I go; i'm sick of always being in panic/hurried/anxious mode b/c i'm late and letting someone down by not being perfect" became "i can't make anything work in my life". I can just hear the awweee's. don't do it! this is not the point of this post.

So in this therapy session, we looked at how being late related to my inability to set and keep limits and how that is pretty much the whole reason I'm here at the eating disorders clinic. It's the reason I overeat; it's the reason I drink too much when I drink; it's the reason i get addicted to things (cigs, people, etc); it's the reason I can't say "no" to anyone for fear of letting someone down; it's the big gorilla that's been riding my back since birth (thanks, Mom). But what's important about this was my therapist's next question.

"If you got rid of this (start living w/ limits), what would you gain? How does living w/o limits serve you now?"  more tears, of course. My answer : I don't know what's under all that, but I feel like if I could get rid of it, I could start really living.

Although this is entirely secular counseling, God is in all things for believers. This is where God has been trying to bring me for months.
when I went to my first BSF seminar, affectionately called "a date w/ Jesus", i came away from it knowing "God is calling me to die to myself so that he can perfect me more fully". I also knew that I was totally unable to do that and that the idea of losing myself was unfathomable and impossible for me of my own will. So, I told God, "theoretically, i want to be of service to you.  i want to be obedient, but i can't. you'll have to do it in me, if that's what you want".

And i still can't, but in therapy yesterday I realized that "self" that i was so desperately clinging to in Jan, is the exact thing that I told my therapist was "something i want to get rid of to start really living". God knew that I needed to see the irony in my irrational holding on the very thing that was causing me all my problems.  Praise be to God for his revelation and for coming at me the way I needed Him to!

I left therapy, still in tears, driving, smoking, praying "Lord, i'm so weak. I cannot do this w/o you" wallowing. wallowing. wallowing. 

But when I came home last night, I got on my knees and that early wallowing prayer became "Lord, i'm so weak. But in my weakness, you are strong. I'm yours. Take this old self and replace it w/ more of your Spirit so that you can use me and so that I can know the peace and joy that comes from obedience to you".

I went to bed tearful but joyfully. And this morning, as I read my Bible study homework....i felt the Spirit in a way, I haven't in a long time. I'm full w/ Him. I'm overcome. I'm so overjoyed but in this sort of quiet calm way. And i keep breaking into tears.  Tears from the overwhelming feeling of love, joy, marvel at the God I serve and His might and His mercy and His grace and His love. I'd think i was having a manic episode, if I didn't know this was just what I prayed for last night.

 I will continue to stumble and I will fall, but the mighty Counselor is alive and well within me.
Peace be with you