This class is doing a number on me

Just completed my developmental psych journal for this week.  The question posed by my teacher relates to parental rearing style.  I avoided this journal assignment for a week, not wanting to sit down an look at that part of my childhood.  i didn't know how honest I was going to be until I sat down to write it.  B/c, you see, my mother was abusive...even to me as a small child.  and although she hurt me, i absolutely don't want to betray her to a strange teacher on the other side of my uploaded document. 

This is what i ended up submitting.  

My mother and father divorced when I was 6 years old.  My mother then moved over 800 miles away from my father and his family with me and my sister.  As such, my father had a very limited role in my upbringing and was never an active caregiver.  My mother read many books as a first-time parent.  However, I think, like most, she relied mostly on how she was raised simply adding the “book” knowledge as a supplement.  My grandmother raised my mom using the authoritarian model whereas my grandfather used the authoritative model.  I would characterize my rearing as mostly authoritative. 

            As described in the chapter, traditionally African-American households use a “no-nonsense” discipline style (Berk, 2007, p.281).  This style is usually paired with physical punishment as a form of discipline.   Although physical punishment is typically frowned upon in public arenas, it is widely accepted within African-American circles (Berk, 2007, pg. 268).  The author states that this particular parenting style typically combines strictness and limited use of physical punishment with warmth and reasoning in that the child internalizes the punishment as corrective with the child’s best interest at heart.  Without warmth and reasoning, the text explains that children see physical punishment as an “act of personal aggression”.  The book says this occurs when the parent is highly agitated and rejecting of the child when delivering the punishment (Berk, 2007, pg. 268).  Social learning theory elaborates on how harshly treated children develop a chronic sense of being personally threatened and that the child learns to avoid the punishing parent.  Additionally, it describes how harsh punishment alleviates the problem for the parent immediately making it more likely  the parent will continue to use it which can spiral into serious abuse (Berk, 2007, pg. 266).  I illuminate these parts of the book because this is my personal experience.

            My mother widely used the threat of or use of physical punishment to enforce her authoritarian parenting model.  Although a totally normal and common parental style within the African-American culture, my mother utilized it without warmth, explanation and in a rejecting manner.  Additionally, b/c it was easy, she used it often and many times the punishments became quite abusive.  As the child, I responded in a “textbook” manner in that this discipline resulted in chronic feelings of fear and anxiety finally leading to my avoidance of my mother whenever possible.  I do feel this affected me adversely, although maybe not in most of the ways described in the book.  The upside of this was that I was more cognitively and socially competent than most children (Berk, 2007, pg. 281), but I also struggled with depression and/or mental health problems as I grew up.

            In addition to using physical punishment for correcting inappropriate behavior, my mom used it as a training tool.  She read that showing flashcards and having young children sound out words early would result in faster rates of reading.  However, learning to read quickly became an anxiety-filled and fearful activity for me because I was punished for incorrect responses.  Additionally, to encourage and accelerate my desire to read on my own, she refused to read my favorite book to me any longer (an excessively high expectation that did not fit my developing capacity).  Her approach did work though; I was reading before 1^st grade.  This was the beginning of a continuous learning strategy she would use for the rest of my life.  Fear of punishment for academic achievement limitations motivated me all the way through high school. 

            Like the description of the authoritarian parenting model on page 280-281 (Berk, 2007), my mother also did not value individualism or autonomy.  She held a belief that her children were extensions of herself rather than individuals with unique attitudes, attributions, values and abilities.  “Self-concept” was not encouraged and punishable.  I was not allowed to make decisions regarding almost anything until I moved away from home to go to college.  As a result, I still struggle with “self-concept” even as an adult.  She also used psychological control as well resulting in me feeling that her love was contingent on following the script she had written for her first-born daughter.    

            Many factors contributed to my mother’s parenting style.  As a product of her own authoritarian mother that used harsh punishment (even beating my mother with an extension cord at one point), she was more likely to use harsh punishment.  Coming from a physical punishment permissive community also increased her likelihood of using this style.  As a single parent, she carried a great degree of unmanageable parental stress resulting in high emotional arousal leading to an extreme parental response to her children.  Because of my experiences and rearing, I entered psychological therapy.  I was concerned that when I became a parent, I would repeat the mistakes made by my mother.  I am now less afraid of how I will treat my children despite my own past.  I will definitely raise my kids differently.  I foresee using all three morality perspectives to train and discipline my children.  Conversely, I do believe I would use some spanking in my rearing practices b/c as the text concluded, in warm, loving, reasoning familial environment, light physical punishment is not correlated with aggression and antisocial behavior but can lead to more cognitively and socially competent children.