Pruning

For the last several months, I have been repeatedly convicted by God through His Spirit, but I'll leave that for another post. Today, I want to talk about what God has been doing w/in me for the last 24 hours.

Yesterday, I left the house for therapy and immediately ran into a huge traffic jam. I am never on time to therapy which is sore subject between me and myself. So, when realized that I was faced, yet again, w/ having to call the therapist to tell her I am going to be late, I began rebuking myself. I absolutely HATE having to do call and say i'm running late, but I do it b/c it's courteous. I hate having to admit that I screwed up, that i'm not perfect, etc. and realistically, even w/o the traffic jam, i would have been late (turns out she was stuck in the same traffic jam and it was no big deal).

So i'm sitting there in traffic assaulting myself for never being on time and how frustrated i make myself. So when my therapy session started, this is the first thing I start talking about. First she starts dissecting the "why" am i always late....by relating a story about a friend of hers that is similarly always late. And she says "she just wants to get one more thing done and it's part of her drive to be the most productive, the most perfect, the best. is any of this true for you?"

I started trying to answer her and all of a sudden tears came. I have a Level III total meltdown from that point on during the session. What started out as "i'm sick of being late everywhere I go; i'm sick of always being in panic/hurried/anxious mode b/c i'm late and letting someone down by not being perfect" became "i can't make anything work in my life". I can just hear the awweee's. don't do it! this is not the point of this post.

So in this therapy session, we looked at how being late related to my inability to set and keep limits and how that is pretty much the whole reason I'm here at the eating disorders clinic. It's the reason I overeat; it's the reason I drink too much when I drink; it's the reason i get addicted to things (cigs, people, etc); it's the reason I can't say "no" to anyone for fear of letting someone down; it's the big gorilla that's been riding my back since birth (thanks, Mom). But what's important about this was my therapist's next question.

"If you got rid of this (start living w/ limits), what would you gain? How does living w/o limits serve you now?"  more tears, of course. My answer : I don't know what's under all that, but I feel like if I could get rid of it, I could start really living.

Although this is entirely secular counseling, God is in all things for believers. This is where God has been trying to bring me for months.
when I went to my first BSF seminar, affectionately called "a date w/ Jesus", i came away from it knowing "God is calling me to die to myself so that he can perfect me more fully". I also knew that I was totally unable to do that and that the idea of losing myself was unfathomable and impossible for me of my own will. So, I told God, "theoretically, i want to be of service to you.  i want to be obedient, but i can't. you'll have to do it in me, if that's what you want".

And i still can't, but in therapy yesterday I realized that "self" that i was so desperately clinging to in Jan, is the exact thing that I told my therapist was "something i want to get rid of to start really living". God knew that I needed to see the irony in my irrational holding on the very thing that was causing me all my problems.  Praise be to God for his revelation and for coming at me the way I needed Him to!

I left therapy, still in tears, driving, smoking, praying "Lord, i'm so weak. I cannot do this w/o you" wallowing. wallowing. wallowing. 

But when I came home last night, I got on my knees and that early wallowing prayer became "Lord, i'm so weak. But in my weakness, you are strong. I'm yours. Take this old self and replace it w/ more of your Spirit so that you can use me and so that I can know the peace and joy that comes from obedience to you".

I went to bed tearful but joyfully. And this morning, as I read my Bible study homework....i felt the Spirit in a way, I haven't in a long time. I'm full w/ Him. I'm overcome. I'm so overjoyed but in this sort of quiet calm way. And i keep breaking into tears.  Tears from the overwhelming feeling of love, joy, marvel at the God I serve and His might and His mercy and His grace and His love. I'd think i was having a manic episode, if I didn't know this was just what I prayed for last night.

 I will continue to stumble and I will fall, but the mighty Counselor is alive and well within me.
Peace be with you